sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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