; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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