if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Non-Jews are for practice
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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