Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize