Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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