I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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