How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
