Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
