my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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