He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
