she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i wish my penis had a tongue
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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