The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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