A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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