I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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