so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
