you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize