i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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