You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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