the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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