Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
