so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
