Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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