I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize