She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize