If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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