"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you traded sex for a burrito?
is wine microwaveable?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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