my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
