Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Houston, we have a blender
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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