I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
