you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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