Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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