i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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