I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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