so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
