I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
