i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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