I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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