i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize