i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
