I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
