I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sober January is a disaster.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
