Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I currently don't understand fingers.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
