drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
