After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
