help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
