Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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