I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize