I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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