Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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