I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
