He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
