i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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