My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
