I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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