We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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