Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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