just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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