There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
