At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
